It's really interesting because I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety that I felt before he even left for his deployment. I really felt it last week, on our last day of our mini-vaca in Leavenworth (side note, this is a city in Washington that is a Bavarian town. Just in case you were wondering). Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night, not feeling good and feeling a wave of anxiety about him leaving again. Then I realized I couldn't breathe -- something that I felt often in the beginning weeks of deployment. I realize at this point that I definitely could be on the verge of having a panic attack and start to calm myself down. I go into the bathroom, shutting the door to block the light from filling the room with my sleeping husband, and get a drink of water at the sink. As I turn around, there is a large wolf spider hanging from the vent in the B&B we were staying at. HOLY CRAP. Seriously, I almost screamed.
Getting back on track....I realized at that time that the next few days were going to be rough. It's a really strange feeling because I'm one of those people who try to be positive but keep realistic. It's really hard to try and enjoy those last few days when you know the inevitable is coming. It's painful. I was happy, sad, anxious, nervous, scared, and sick... Making my entire body feel.... Pained. I know it sounds strange, but hurts.
Having him leave once was hard. Having him leave a second time was hard... Even though I have to say it wasn't harder. I don't want to do this again, any of it, which is a total joke in the fact my husband wants to retire doing this. There isn't and end of the wars on the horizon. This is going to be a long journey.
I have also mentioned it before, but Jesse has a new address. You can probably draw the conclusion that he is going back to a new location. I am going to be honest, he had been in a "safe" area before (as much as I believe "safe" and words like "Iraq" and "Afghanistan" shouldn't be used in the same sentence) and now he is going to be in a little more of a dangerous area. Communication is going to be sparse. Likely much more so than it had been before.
An upside on it all though, we only have a few more months left. It could be much worse. We could be doing six more months. But yet I have a very hard time being at home and looking at the pillow he slept on, the half drank bottle of water he left behind, and the laundry that still has his lingering scent. I don't know if I am going to be able to get past that yet.
So in the coming blogs I am going to be concentrating on sharing with you the photos and stories from our time together. I am also going to attempt to keep more optimistic, but we'll see how that goes. I don't feel like that now.
I go back to work on friday, and I have a feeling that before long we're going to have a change up in that department. That's all I really want to say about that though -- for now.
More to come.....later. Have a great rest of the week!
Hang in there! It seems like the first few days (sometimes weeks) after they leave are the hardest. I hope it feels easier soon!
ReplyDeleteI have a little bit of an idea how your feeling about these deployments. I was done after the 3rd, so many things just went WRONG! I was pregnant the entire pregnancy while he was gone, we were in a car accident, my 3 children and I all ended up in the hospital at least 1 time, not at the same time, my house flooded, etc., so when he returned from that third deployment (all from Fort Lewis), I could only dream that it was his last. Boy was I wrong, he left a month ago on his 4th one. Good Luck with everything. I know Leavenworth, I have just been there one time, even though I am from Washington. Hopefully your deployment runs smoothly, good luck!
ReplyDelete~Alicia
Hang in there!!!!! I know its so hard! Everything your feeling is completely normal. I always feel like I'm going to throw up and poop my pants at the same time. I like to call it the deployment diet.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously...sending you hugs!!!!! I look forward to seeing your pics:)
Man...I'm so glad I'm not the only one talking about anxiety...I seriously felt like a crazy person posting my blog. I still haven't done my award from you because my mind has been in so many other places! You are in my thoughts & prayers. I'm glad you shared this! You are definitely right...saying "Goodbye" over & over again doesn't make it any easier because you've done it before. I think us military wives just have ways of adjusting to the life...it's unfortunate but we are blessed enough to say that we really are married to some of the most incredible men on the planet! :o))) Keep your head up girl!
ReplyDeleteKeep strong! I definitely relate to the pained feeling. Even when Brandon is gone for only a little bit I sometimes feel so heavy and hurt from missing him that I can barely move. We'll be thinking of you guys. :)
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