Oh how naive people can be. I am going to say today I am one of them.
Here I am on SpouseBuzz last month, reading an entry from one of their writers of how they had just had it with a deployment, and a reader wrote in "that's the 'eff it' phase!" I thought to myself, I don't think I'm going to go through that phase. I'm pretty level headed, I don't really think that's going to happen to me. Haha. WRONG.
Usually I'm good at not being naive, I listen to people and what they tell me. I'm a goody two shoes, by the book, personality. Now this doesn't mean I wouldn't chop off my hair and dye it pink, but I don't like trouble or confrontation. I like peoples advice. I like word of mouth. If it's good, it's good. If you shouldn't do it, I won't do it. It's pretty simple most of the time.
Yesterday seemed fine (even as February has NOT been my month). I got off work early, the day was absolutely beautiful. Still not feeling 100% (my spouse is still gone) but good nonetheless. So I get to my parent's house to get my dog and found all of the remaining items left in my old room packed up in boxes. Now, I gave my mother SPECIFIC instructions. Do not package up anything but the stuff in the closet (there were some winter clothes, random shoes, shirts, and military stuff). What did she do? Package everything. EVERYTHING. You know how you stick personal items in your drawers (does anyone do that??). Yeah. Packaging up dresser = going through my things. Thank you very much.
All of the bad moments I had in this month had come to a head. So I'm frustrated, I wanted to call someone and just sob on the phone and be miserable about it, but couldn't. Many people were still at work and my best friend doesn't have access to a phone. Awesome. I grab all of my stuff (minus our mini fridge) and put it in the car. I take my dog, go home. Stair at the walls until I get to talk to my husband.
And then I cry.
Then today I get a phone call to speak to him on a day which has ended badly. Don't get me wrong, there wasn't anything horrible, but he experiences a roller coaster of emotions dealing with people over there. That doesn't sit well with me, but what can you do? Nothing. So I do what I can and let him go to bed.
My father came out here, went on a walk with Stryker and me. He hung up something for me and left, taking Stryker along with him so that I didn't have to worry about him tomorrow at work. I left to run errands. I realized then that I was sad. Sad my husband was gone, sad my dog was gone. Mad that I had to go run around to go to a grocery store that had a decent wine selection (it's one of those nights). Clothing sales didn't have a write in the rain pad. I forgot a few things. I found myself hating people I didn't know. Men who I would normally want to run up and hug just because they were wearing a uniform I didn't want them to even look in my direction. I didn't like any of it. The uniforms, the way people did things in their "orderly" fashion, the old outdated buildings. I found myself just not liking anyone or anything.
Then I realized it....This is the "Eff It" Phase.
For those who haven't dealt with a deployment (which I know many of my readers have) this blog was a great article to tell how spouses/girlfriend feel. I think it's a good read for anyone (spouses/girlfriend/fiances included) to relate to:
Have You Been Through a Deployment?
Yes, I realize there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And of course I love our men and women in uniform. It's just one of those days. I just want March to come.....And fast.
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